Wicked Game?
by XFoxMuldersGirlX
Summary: Is Scully setting herself up for heartbreak by reading too much into what Mulder has said? Missing Scene from Season 5 "Chinga".
1. Marry me

Wicked Game?

Disclaimer: I own nothing :0( (only what happens to be in my imagination) All characters belong to Chris Carter

All spoken dialogue in this first chapter, unfortunately, belongs to the show and not me ... :(

Season Five

Chinga: Missing Scene

_Could I be happy as Mrs "Spooky" Mulder? _I had asked myself that question so many times in the past. I knew there was never a chance of me getting romantically involved with Mulder. He didn't know how I felt about him and even if he did, it didn't mean that he would feel the same way about me. Why would he? Regardless of that fact, I remembered the phone call that made me think that it could be a very real possibility:

"_Mulder."_

"Mulder, it's me."

"_I thought you were on vacation?"_

"I am. I'm up in Maine."

"_I thought you said you didn't want to be disturbed, that you wanted to get out of your head for a few days?"_

"I don't… I mean I do. What are you watching Mulder?" I could hear the panting and groaning of one of the many "video's that don't belong to him."

"_It's the Worlds Deadliest Swarms." _Mulder clicked off the video, not in the slightest bit embarrassed at being caught. Not that I was the slight bit embarrassed at catching him. Mulder was Mulder, I accepted it. There was no point in being shocked or upset about it. To be honest, I found it slightly amusing, Mulder and his porn collection. Like a man like Mulder needed to resort to porn? But I knew Mulder and he wasn't as confident with women as he made out.

"_Um… you said you were going to be unreachable. What's going on?"_

"I, uh… I'm at a market here. I'm just trying to give the local PD a handle here."

"_A handle on what?"_

"Well, I'm not quite sure how to describe it Mulder. I didn't witness it myself, but there seems to be some kind of an outbreak of people acting in a violent, involuntary way."

"_Towards who?"_

"Towards themselves."

"_Themselves?"_

"Yeah. Beating at their faces, clawing at their eyes. One man is dead."

"_Dead, how?"_

"Self-inflicted, it appears."

"_Huh. It sounds to me like that's witchcraft, or maybe some sorcery that you're looking for there."_

"No, I don't think it's witchcraft, Mulder, or sorcery. I've had a look around and I don't see any evidence of anything that warrants that kind of suspicion." I felt a little guilty for beating him to the punch.

"_Well, maybe you don't know what you're looking for."_

"Like evidence of conjury or the Black Arts, or shamanism, divination, Wicca or any kind of pagan or neo-pagan practice? Charms, cards, familiars, bloodstones or hex signs or any ritual tableau associated with the occult? Santeria, Voudoun, Macumba, or any of high or low magic?" I couldn't help it, I couldn't stop it. All this information just kept flowing out of me like word vomit. I didn't even know where it was all coming from… I didn't even know that I _knew_ all of this. _Damn it Mulder! _It was his fault. I was definitely spending too much time with him and his geeky habits. He was definitely rubbing off on me and I wasn't too sure that I was at all comfortable with that. …_Oh My God!…If I start eating sunflower seeds and not sleeping, I am going to KILL him!…_Mulder interrupted my thoughts.

"_Scully?"_

"Yes?"

"_Marry Me." _I almost dropped the phone. I was speechless for a second. It wasn't that he hadn't asked me - that he had practically _told_ me to marry him, it wasn't either of those things, but that fact that that thought was even in his head. It had been in my head for so long, that I couldn't tell you when it _hadn't_ been there. I wanted to kiss him through the phone, throw my arms around him and say "Yes Mulder. Yes I'll marry you. Of course I'll marry you!…" but of course, I couldn't. So instead I recovered myself quickly and brushed it off, just like I had with so many of his innuendos and inappropriate comments, so many times before.

"I was hoping for something a little more helpful." I hoped I sounded like my usual self, I was sure I did, but Mulder had a way of reading me in a way that no one else ever could. I _wanted_ to sound normal, but wasn't too sure I was pulling it off. The thing was, I could have sworn that he was being deadly serious. There was no hint of playfulness when he had spoken. I hadn't heard a eyebrow being raised as he asked, or heard a smirk play on his lips.

"_Short of looking for a lady in a pointy hat riding a broomstick, I think you pretty much got it covered there."_ By the tone of his voice I could tell he was proud of me and my supernatural, witchy knowledge. Or was it that he was amused with me and my reaction to him? Could he read me on the other end of the phone? It wouldn't surprise me if he could.

"Thanks, anyway." I hung up quickly. I didn't want to be on the phone any longer than I had to be. Not after that bombshell. My head felt like cotton wool and I was struggling to concentrate on anything else that was being said. All I wanted was to be alone, away from the world and it's problems… alone with my fluffy Mulder thoughts.


	2. Playing a wicked game?

This chapter is only little. Sorry about that :oP

That was on the Saturday, the day we had decided to have a weekend away from the X Files, the weekend I ended up on an X File anyway …by myself. That case was difficult, not just because I was on my own, I mean I'm more than capable of solving a case by myself, but for the fact that all I wanted to do was go home and be with Mulder. Which was kind of defeating the object of us spending time away from each other, but it was what I wanted to do regardless.

I had spoken to Mulder on several occasions, over the weekend about my case but hearing his voice just made me lose focus all over again. He made it very hard to keep my professional demeanour with the New England PD. Whenever he rung for me, the way they always said the word "partner" irked me, as though we could never be just professional partners? That we _had_ to be sleeping together as well. I know I wanted to be sharing a bed with Mulder but I didn't want strangers assuming that I was already doing so. What they were doing felt deliberate, as though they knew how I felt about him. Or that they knew what kind of a game Mulder was playing with me. It was like they knew that Mulder knew that I was in love with him. But surely Mulder wouldn't be so mean as to play wicked games with my heart?

On the inside I was a girly mess, experiencing feeling I hadn't had since I was a teenager, but outwardly I was "Special Agent Dana Scully. FBI." calm, collected and clear-headed. Yeah, right. It took every ounce of concentration and energy I had to remain focused on the case. Every spare moment I had was taken up by thoughts of him and our happy marriage. I know, I know, fantasising never did anyone any good. I mentally chastised myself each time I caught myself thinking about him, as all daydreaming got you was a heart full of false hope but at that moment it was all I had to go on. So I dreamt of Mulder, passionate, steamy dreams that scared me with their intensity. I had been dreaming sexy dreams of him for months anyway, but never with _that_ kind of intensity…

That weekend was the longest weekend I had faced for a long time…


	3. Mistakes Happen

Chapter 3. Hope all you lovely people enjoy it x x

Now it was 9.00 AM on Monday morning, and I was back in the office, feeling extremely awkward. I had spent all weekend wishing I was back here with him, but now I wanted to be anywhere else. Its funny how that happens, you spend forever wanting something and then when you get it, you just don't want it anymore.

Mulder had tried unsuccessfully to make me think he had had a lazy weekend, but I had seen the pencils in the ceiling and had walked in on him quickly trying to hide a new, freshly sharpened batch. _You're so busted! _The man just couldn't relax!, he just couldn't leave the X Files alone just for _one_ weekend. He would still come into the office on his day off, even though he had obviously been _very_ busy, with nothing better to do than decorate the ceiling. Unlike me. I had only had two days off and I had spent them chasing Chucky! The local people of Maine were very eager for my "expertise" on solving this case, so much so that I couldn't even take a bath in peace…I had very reluctantly joined this case. I had wanted nothing to do with it initially. All I had wanted was two days off. Two days in which to do nothing and to think of nothing. Was that too much to ask? Of course, to Mulder I had pretended that everything was okay, told him that the Maine PD solved the case of the creepy doll. I told him that I had been on holiday and had absolutely nothing to do with the case other than what he already knew about.

Luckily today was a paperwork so, which meant that I didn't have to make conversation with Mulder, I had spent hours in silence "concentrating" on typing up case reports. I didn't have to look at Mulder if I didn't want to, which of course I did - I couldn't help it. He had sat there reading, writing, occasionally speaking on the phone, doing nothing spectacular but being Mulder but he had me captivated. Despite that I had spent all day on pins. And I hated it. Every time we spoke I froze internally, stuttering and mumbling my responses. Each time hands innocently met or eyes locked I had a mental swoon and blushed crimson. Since walking into X Files HQ first thing this morning, I was a permanent shade of scarlet. Nothing about Mulder's behaviour though convinced me that he was feeling the same. He wasn't jumpy and nervous. _This isn't me. I don't turn to mush over a man. Yes, the man happens to be Fox Mulder and yes he is the best person I had ever met but still I am Dana Scully. "The Ice Princess". "The Frigid Bitch" _I was the one who never let anyone in, who never let anyone get too close. My heart always concealed, cold and distant, afraid of nothing and no one. And yet here I am; in love with my partner and too scared to do anything about it for fear for of shame, rejection and complete humiliation, even though I am positive he is in love with me too. No one had ever had this affect on me before.

(…)

By 5.35 in the afternoon after spending all day in Hell, I had had enough. Mulder and myself were walking through the car park towards our spots. Mulder was unbearably close to me, causing me to feel feverish and yet at the same I shivered at his closeness. His hand brushed against mine and my heart stopped beating for a split second. I gently entwined my fingers with his. This must have surprised him because he stopped in his tracks and looked down at me.

"Mulder,….did you mean it? …What you said." My words hung in the air, in silence. I could hear my heartbeat in my ears. My heart actually felt as though it would go crashing through my body it was beating that hard. I could feel the blood rushing into my cheeks, my face was flushing pink, again, just as it always did whenever I shared a "moment" with Mulder. Before I actually realised what I had said, I had already said it. I had planned on saying something so soon, definitely before the day was over, but not here and not like this. I had spent all day suffering, so I was willing to wait for the right moment. Only this wasn't it.

I was standing in front of Mulder wishing I had never opened my mouth to say anything at all, let alone what I was asking him. I looked at him shyly. I couldn't believe I was actually asking these questions. What if I had read too much into all of it? What if he doesn't feel the same way? What if he just stands and laughs at me for being so stupid? What if… I couldn't bear to think anymore. Instead I fixed my gaze on the floor in front of me, hardly daring to breathe, let alone look at him. I took my hand out of his, suddenly feeling very childish and vulnerable.

"Scully?" He wanted me to raise my eyes from the floor and to look at him. I didn't. I _couldn't. _He sounded confused. Obviously he had forgotten the conversation that haunted my dreams. I could recite that phone call word for word if I wanted to.

"When I was in Maine, and you asked me to marry you…did you mean it?" _He did. He MUST have done. I wouldn't be asking him , if he hadn't. He was serious, I know it…He's joked about a lot of stuff in the past…but never about this. He wouldn't joke about this…would he?_

"Scully, look at me." I shuffled uncomfortably in front of him, not wanting to do as he commanded but finding I had no choice but to obey. It was as though I had no free will of my own. When it came to Fox Mulder, I don't think I have ever had a choice. If it wasn't that I was following him all over the country on the faintest of paranormal details, spending hours trapped in rented cars with him, arguing my point to deaf ears, turning up dead end after dead end with no evidence to prove otherwise, then I was sitting and waiting for him. I can't count the times I have gotten vague and cryptic phone calls from him giving me nothing, only telling me to cover his back. So time after time I have played the waiting game with Mulder. I have watched and waited for him, with no idea where he was or what he was doing, whether he was dead or alive… the thing is, I would do it again - every time. If Mulder asked me to get up and go, I would. If he asked me to stay put and wait, I would do that too.

So slowly, I lifted my head and looked at him. All of him. My eyes worked their way up his body. From his shiny, black polished shoes to his standard black trousers, to his very ordinary white shirt, hiding those protective arms, minus his tie, which has been stuffed rather carelessly onto his trouser pocket the second the minute hand hit the six, to his extra-ordinary facial features. His lips were soft and kissable, his nose, ever so slightly too big for his face, but unless you were me, it was something you probably wouldn't even notice. Then to his eyes. My own blue eyes stared into his green ones. I loved his eyes most of all. They were expressive and beautiful and I got lost every time I stared too long into them. _If the FBI ever does get the opportunity to get rid of you, like they want to, you could always have a second career in hypno- therapy. _He could get you spilling your inner most secrets with those eyes, never mind needing to ask you anything all the man had to do was just look at you in the right way... But it was him that was going to be spilling his inner most secrets, not me. I had done that already by opening my big fat mouth… Had he really been serious? Did he love me or was it just too much to hope for? Is he hiding my secret too, or one that would hurt me to find out? But he wouldn't have said it had he not meant it, I mean its not something that you say without loving someone and without giving it some serious thought… Is his secret that he _doesn't_ love me? _You're my friend, Scully, nothing more than that_… or even worse - _I'm sorry Scully, but I just don't feel that way about you…and I never will. I just don't love you…_ I don't think I could live with myself for being so stupid, were he to say that to me.

Why did I ever think it was a good idea to open my mouth? To ask him if he loved me? Now, why would that be a smart thing to do? _Jesus! Whatever happened to rationality Dana? _Yeah… well, when matters of the heart get involved with rationality, it jumps out the window and heads for the hills to live as a hermit, never to be heard from again. Then love rears it's ugly head and makes you do the wacky… Like right now - I'm supposed to be an intelligent, professional person and here I am making the biggest mistake of my life… _But I was so sure…_My lips quivered with un cried sobs, and my eyes turned misty as I looked into his face and didn't like what I was seeing. Mulder's eyes showed shock. He spoke slowly, carefully. I could hear the fear in his voice as he spoke.

"…Why would you ask me that Scully?"


	4. To Live With Reality Or Fairytales?

Happy Easter people! (almost :P) Chapter 4 is reading and waiting for all your comments and reviews :)

I took a step away from him. I was trembling. I knew this was a very bad idea, I knew that that might have been his answer, so why was I so shocked to hear him ask me that? Why was I so upset to see the expression he wore? Was it really a surprise that I knew why he was questioning me? I might have known I had over-reacted to that phone call… that he never meant it the way I took it but it didn't make me feel any less stupid, any less fragile knowing the truth now. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel now…Pathetic and silly for wanting him, upset and completely foolish for thinking he wanted me too. _All over a damn phone call_. I had all these different emotions coursing through me that I was struggling to focus on answering him. What could I tell him? What _should_ I tell him… The truth?… A lie? Telling him the truth would just make things so much worse for us than they already are. Not worse by much more, admittedly, but definitely worse. I would lose my friend and partner… but if I told him a lie I would be making things so much for myself. I would be denying myself reality.

Truth or lie. Those were my options but I decided on a third…to say nothing at all. I could feel Mulder's eyes burning into me as he searched silently for an answer. I felt as though hours had passed in slow motion, but it had been mere moments. I kept my gaze fixed on him, even though my eyes were glassy and unfocused. I shook my head slightly to focus my thoughts back to him.

"…Never, no…never mind…" My body was still shaking, my voice even more so as I hurriedly moved past him, I practically ran to my car. I couldn't be around him much longer without giving myself away.

"Scully?" Mulder caught up with me as I started the engine. He knocked on my window. He leant down towards the glass and looked into the car at me.

"What did you mean Scully? Why did you ask me that?" I could still see fear in his face and confusion in his voice.

"I don't know!…Just forget it, Mulder!" I didn't even wait for him to get out the way before I reversed the car and drove off. I could see Mulder in my rear view mirror, his form getting smaller and smaller. Just like my heart. I felt like I was choking, drowning under the weight of everything. I couldn't breathe,. My chest was too tight and constricted with pain and hurt.

(…)

As I drove home I had tears in my eyes the entire time. I parked up outside my apartment building, unbuckled my seatbelt and sobbed against my steering wheel. I couldn't help but feel angry and frustrated with myself for falling so deep into all of this. Mulder had never even hinted at our friendship being more than it was, so why had I assumed that his "marry me" comment had been something other than Mulder being his usual, inappropriate self? How could I have read the situation so wrongly? _God!… I'm so stupid! And now Mulder hates me and he doesn't even know why, he doesn't even know what he has done wrong…_

I unlocked my front door, locking it again once I was on the other side of it. I kicked off my heels, leaving them where they fell, and placed my bag and car keys on the small table by the door. My jacket, I placed on the hook on the wall before I walked into my bedroom. I undressed, not bothering to pick my clothes up from the floor and took my dressing gown from my wardrobe. As I tied the belt around my waist I walked into the bathroom and switched on the shower. While the water heated up I sat on the toilet seat with my head in my hands wanting the darkness behind my eyes to blank out my memories of the previous weekend and recent hours. It didn't.

Once the water was hot I stepped into the shower. I hoped that the water would wash away my shame and humiliation, and despite the length of time that I stood underneath the stream of cascading water it did nothing to ease my pain. Unfortunately for me, I missed the phone ringing and the beep of the machine recording a message, through the sound of the shower echoing off the walls. I turned off the shower head, dried myself, put my robe on again and walked back into my bedroom. My tummy growled. I ignored my rumbling stomach even though I knew I should eat something but all I wanted to do was sleep. I curled up on my bed, wrapping my gown around me, not even bothering to put my pyjamas on. I closed my eyes and let the darkness take me.

I don't know how long I slept for, but the next thing I knew was a panicked hammering on my door. I opened my eyes slowly, blinking, disorientated in the dark. My head was still hazy and half asleep. The hammering started again. I sat up on the bed and slowly swung my legs over the side before standing up and walking towards my front door. The knocking started for a third time, only this time I heard a voice too.

"Scully, are you in there? Open up!"

"Damn it!" I muttered to myself. It was Mulder. And I really didn't want to see him just yet.

"Go away Mulder. Leave me alone!" My voice was thick with sleep and the un mistakable sound of threatening tears. I rested my forehead against the door. Mulder was only centimetres away from me, separated by 1.5 inches of varnished oak.

"I just want to know that you're alright. I tried phoning you but I got no answer…I think we need to talk Scully about what you said earlier…"

"There's nothing to talk about Mulder."

"I think you're wrong. I think there is." There was a short pause from Mulder before he spoke again.

"Please, Scully…let me in. I just want to know you're okay." Mulder sounded desperate. I could feel the tears that were moments ago threatening to fall, stream silently down my face. _Why wont you just leave me alone Mulder? Just drop the subject!_

"I'm fine." A sob escaped my throat. We both knew I was lying. I was anything but fine. I was a mess, but because I had brought this on myself, maybe I was wrong to be feeling like I was.

"No, you're not and you know it. Scully, I'm not going anywhere until you let me in. I'll sit in the hall all night if I have to but I'm not leaving until I talk to you!" If it were possible for my heart to sink any lower, just at that moment, it did. Now I had to face the consequences of my actions. My sobs got heavier as I realised that I had no longer had a valid choice. I _could_ let Mulder in and face my truth or I _could_ keep him outside in my hallway disturbing my neighbours, but he would be away from me and away from my fantasy life where I hadn't risked everything I cared about with one silly question: …_Did you mean it?_

I no longer had the third option of saying nothing. Now I had to make a choice. Only I didn't know which choice to make. Which decision is the right decision?


	5. Silent Treatment

This chapter was written under the influence... of a lot of Easter chocolate LOL! Anyway, I hope you all enjoy it (or not, as the case maybe, as it is very angsty - and if you don't like it, please don't hate me!) and keep all your lovely comments and reviews coming :) I really do appreciate every single one...

Slowly I unlocked the door and walked away from it as quickly as I could. I didn't feel like I had to make the grand gesture of opening the door and facing my partner and asking him what he wanted. Mulder would know, just by hearing the latch click, that he had my permission to enter. I couldn't believe I was actually letting him in… I know it was the only real choice I had but still…_why? _I walked over to the phone and hit the "play" button. I hadn't heard the phone ring, hadn't known he had left a message and even though he was here and had the opportunity to tell me what he had said on the tape, I wanted to know myself, why he felt he had to come over and see me, although I already knew what was going to be recorded on the tape. I turned around to see Mulder stood a couple of feet away from me, looking very concerned. Whether his concern was due to our conversation earlier on or whether it was about my lack of appropriate clothing, I couldn't tell. _…but I have other very important things on my mind right at this moment, so the fact that I have nothing on but my dressing gown isn't even a priority as of this very moment!_ He blushed as he realised he was staring. I, myself was to upset to be embarrassed at my appearance or even at the fact that Mulder was embarrassed at my appearance. I saw that Mulder was about to open his mouth to say something.

"Don't say a word Mulder. I don't want to hear a single word. I don't even know why I let you in… " Just as if on cue the machine kicked in and his voice filled my apartment.

"_Scully, it's me. Are you there? …Scully? Scully, pick up the phone! Please… we need to talk. About what you said. It's important, and I need to know why you asked… Please, Scully, if you're there… please pick up the phone…_

_Alright, that's it…Look. I'm on my way over. You're obviously not going to speak to me over the phone… maybe I'll have better luck in person… or not. Guess I'll find out soon enough…Please, talk to me Scully…"_

I purposely kept my line of sight on my machine and not on Mulder. I stared until my eyes hurt but even then I didn't look at Mulder.

"…Why?" It was just one word. One question. I wasn't too sure who had asked it…Mulder meant _Why did you say what you said?_ And I meant _Why are you here? Why are you still not getting the hint, that I don't want to talk about this_… It was only when I heard Mulder's voice as he repeated the question that I realised my questions had been silently asked. Keeping my head down, I shrugged, as I didn't know what else to do.

"Damn it Scully! Talk to me…answer the damn question!" I was mildly shocked to hear that Mulder had raised his voice at me. He had never done that before. Yes, maybe when he had been upset with someone, or a situation, he had shouted at me, but it was never _me_ he had been angry with. I had never been the direct cause of his raised voice. Until now… and the thought that Mulder was upset with me, angry with me, just terrified me… I never wanted to make him to hate me but why couldn't he see that I just _couldn't_ answer him? Silent tears fell down my face as I wished for the strength to just tell him the truth…

"I can't…I don't know why… There's nothing to say…" I spoke in a heartfelt whisper, desperately wishing that I could, but knowing if he knew the truth that he would hate me even more than he did right now. I played, nervously with the ends of the belt that was wrapped around my waist. I felt like a humiliated child being told off by a parent. Maybe I _was_ being childish… I'm a grown woman, why can't I handle this situation better than I was doing? Surly there was a better way to deal with this than pretending it wasn't happening?

"Yes there is Scully. Why are you being so damn stubborn?" He was distant and cold.

"Oh! Come on! It's not that difficult Scully. Why the hell did you ask me "did you mean it" ? Just tell me for God's Sake !"

"I can't." I repeated. This time I looked into Mulder's eyes and pleaded with him. It was something we were experts at: unspoken conversations. One look equals a thousand words. A thousand words equals a partnership that most at the FBI would kill for. But not this partnership. This partnership was rapidly coming undone at the seams… Mulder had never been like this with me before and it was killing me. He was always so comfortable and protective, easy to talk to about anything…Not now…

"Why can't you see that I can't? Don't make me tell you…please! I can't, Mulder! Please understand that I can't!" I was desperately to make him understand, but he either couldn't or wouldn't. As my desperation took hold of me, I sank to the floor. Any other time and Mulder would have rushed to my side and held me while I cried. The Mulder I knew, that I _loved, _would have understood that I needed time and space but this Mulder? Harsh and uncaring, I didn't know this man that stood in front of me, he just watched my heart break with hate in his eyes. The eyes of Fox Mulder that, before, only ever showed me warmth and friendship were now cold and icy. I was dying inside. Mulder had never hated me before, had never been this cruel but I can't tell him why he hates me so - my world would come crashing down around me if I did.

I heard, rather than saw, Mulder walk away and leave me. Was it forever? Had I ruined everything? Had I lost both my friend and partner?…And all because I had said something and nothing at all. _I'm so sorry Mulder…Don't leave me…_


	6. Forgiven But Not Forgotten

Chapter Six - for all you pretty, pretty fangirls... and boys! Although I'm not sure that any boys are into the Mulder/Scully romance thing but if they are then - Good for you! Two chapters in one day... i spoil you all ha ha! Enjoy x x

"Here" I Jumped at the sound of the voice. I hadn't expected to hear anyone speak, thinking I was alone in the apartment. I looked up confused. My vision was misty through my damp eyes. I saw a glass of water being held out in front of me. I saw the hand that held the glass and recognised it instantly, and was instantly glad but also hurt. My mind wandered through the endless possibilities as to why the person that hand belonged to was here at all.

"…Mulder?" I took the glass from him and sipped at it's contents.

"Yeah?" His tone had softened since last time we "spoke".

"I thought you had left me." I was grateful that he was still here with me. Throughout all the arguing and all the tears, I would still want him with me, no matter what.

"I thought about leaving. I mean, I really did. But then I thought about how I treated you and what I said and… I realised that I couldn't. Not until I apologised to you. I'm sorry I pushed you Scully, I really am… and I'm sorry about what I said and I'm sorry that you're not ready to tell me… " As he spoke Mulder sat down beside me, took my drink out of my hands and held both my hands. He stared into my eyes as he said his apologies, almost making me forget what he had said not so long ago. Almost… but not quite. As much as I was in love with Mulder it was just as easy to hate him in equal measure. I struggled to tear my gaze away from him but when I did I looked down at his hands, covering mine.

"You were mean Mulder…"

"…Yeah I was…I'm sorry Scully. I didn't mean to upset you like I did…i was an idiot." He pulled me close to him and held me like he had so many times in the past. Just like old times. His cheek rested on the top of my head, my head against his chest. It was safe and comfortable in his arms and I felt like it was were I belonged… forever… if only I could tell Mulder the truth.

"I can wait… until you're ready to tell me. Only when you're ready, Scully." _This_ was the Fox Mulder that I had fallen in love with. The one who was gentle and understanding. The one who gave me all the time in the world, who made me feel comfortable in his presence. I knew his apologies were real and heartfelt. I trusted him.

"Thank you." I muttered. My voice was muffled against Mulder's chest and the fabric of my dressing gown. But Mulder heard me. He kissed the top of my head. That gesture was something he had always done, it was part and parcel of our friendship. It was his thing, it was what he did. It always calmed me and made me feel valued and that kiss was no exception.

We stayed in our embrace for a few moments, enjoying the silence and enjoying the fact we were somewhat back to normality, well as "normal" as I would let us be. Eventually I spoke, I didn't want to but knew that we couldn't stay like this all night.

"You have to go home."

"You're right. I do. But only if you're feeling okay. I don't want to leave you alone if you are still upset…" My heart melted. This was why I loved him, because he said stuff like that. He was so sweet sometimes. How could I _not_ fall in love with him when he could be this wonderful? If only I had the courage to tell him that…

"I'm fine Mulder. I'll be fine…" It wasn't completely true but I was definitely feeling a whole lot better than when I first got home.

"You sure?" I could feel his breath on my hair. I nodded against him.

"mmm hmm."

"Right. I guess I better go then." Could I have possibly imagined the smallest hint of disappointment in his voice?…probably, I was reading way too much into things recently and it wasn't healthy. If I continued to take things the wrong way I would make myself ill with upset and worry. Mulder lifted me up off his chest and stood up, pulling me with him. I walked with him to my door. Mulder had his hand on the door knob but before he twisted the handle he turned to face me.

"Bye Scully. I'm sorry…" He leant over and placed a soft kiss against my cheek. I gasped silently at the feel of his lips on my skin. _Damn it Mulder, you're messing with my head again! …I'm going to dream of you tonight. _I blinked, collecting my thoughts as Mulder pulled away from me. I quietly sucked in a breath and released it. I couldn't speak above a whisper, even if I tried to.

"Bye…" Mulder pulled on the handle and walked out closing the door behind him.

"…I love you" I finished my sentence without Mulder knowing how it ended. I locked my door and fell backwards against, trying with all I had to fight fresh tears. I hurried to my bathroom and splashed handfuls of cold water onto my face in an attempt to displace my feelings. I was suddenly feeling very fragile again as I turned off the tap and looked up into the mirror in front of me. It's true that I wasn't tall and blonde and beautiful but why is life so unfair? I know that maybe asking for Mulder to love me back might be a bit too much to ask for but what's wrong with wanting someone to love?

I brushed my teeth and hair then went into my bedroom. I picked up my clothes that I had left on my floor and put them on my chair. Then I took off my robe and returned it to my wardrobe. I crawled into bed after putting my pyjamas on. I drifted off to sleep…eventually… after hours and hours of tossing and turning. I dreamt of Mulder like I knew I would…that kiss he gave me before he walked out of my apartment, replayed at different speeds through my head all night. The only difference being that the ending was different. Instead of walking out my door, Mulder looked at me with adoration in his eyes and told me what I had wanted to hear for so long: _Scully…I love you…_I didn't know it until I woke up in the morning but I had wept while I dreamt. I woke up with tears damp on my cheeks.


	7. Ex's Pile On The Pressure

This chapter is dedicated to "Hate being abducted by aliens" Im so sorry that you had to wait for a fix :P but you can break your cycle of abstinense now... Hope its good enough for you little one x x

I was late for work. _I am never late for work_. Not that Mulder, or Skinner would make a big deal about one time, but still, I am _never_ late. I hurried down to the basement, wanting to be anywhere else but where I was heading. I stopped in front of the door. As I reached that ever familiar door, I took a couple of deep breaths to settle my rapid heart, it's beating slowed but didn't return to normal. I suppose that was the best I could hope for. I reached for the door handle and pulled my hand back not wanting to touch that cold metal, not wanting to open the door, not wanting to find what I knew would be on the other side… I don't know long I stood out in the corridor changing and un-changing my mind about walking into that tiny room, but I heard footsteps coming towards me from down the hall and panicked. I didn't want to be seen being fidgety and suspicious, not that anyone else would realise the change in my behaviour pattern but I just didn't want to be seen by anyone. I hadn't meant to panic as I did but in my haste I grabbed the handle and flung it open causing Mulder to jump my entrance.

"Scully?"

"I'm sorry Mulder…I didn't mean to… er…" I immediately turned a deep shade of pink at the attention I had put on myself.

"No. It's okay Scully, it's just that I just didn't expect you to…" he smiled a genuine smile at me as he talked.

"…make such a grand entrance." Although he was smiling, I could tell he was embarrassed about last night. Even though he had apologised to me and we had made up I could still feel the slight tension between us that said Mulder still wanted his answer.

I mumbled another apology as I made my way over to "my" area of the office and sat down. I could feel Mulder's gaze follow me around the room and watch me as I took out the case file I was working on. He was obviously intrigued by my behaviour, but was it any wonder? But after what he had said last night…he still had to wait for me. I still wasn't ready to tell him how I felt or what I had meant by asking him that now infamous question.

I can still feel his mouth on my cheek and the feel of his breath on my skin. It's not like he hasn't kissed me before, of course he has and plenty of times too, but now I didn't want his kisses in a "friendly" way anymore, I wanted him to love me like he had loved…Kristen?. Yes… unfortunately, after I got returned, Mulder felt the need to explain "Kristen" to me. _Why tell me Mulder? _Honestly, there is a line and you crossed it! Like I wanted to know that you did the nasty with the vampire girl? I would rather not know shit like that, especially when it pains me so much to find that you would sleep with a stranger that you haven't known but five minutes! … You have know me for five years Mulder? Well, yeah, it was only two back then. I know you didn't know, _don't _know my feelings but… the vampire girl? Really? It would be like me wanting…wanting Eugene Tooms - it's just wrong!

I hadn't wanted to listen as Mulder told me what had happened, but my ears rung with his explanations. It was all I heard for hours in my head afterwards. Of course he hadn't told me what they _did_, he didn't need to go into that much detail, but a girl has an imagination when it comes to that kind of thing and I knew exactly what they had done… and after he had left me I couldn't help but cry. I cried every kind of tear possible.

What made it worse was that after my return, while I was in hospital, I had realised how I felt about Mulder. I had heard his voice asking me to come back to him. That was when I knew I was in love with him. So I came back to him. Mulder was the only reason for me to return to the world. And then all of a sudden here he was telling me about Kristen and he never even realised that somethings you do _not_ share with your partner and that this was one of them!…especially when she has just been through a very traumatic "abduction" and doesn't know how she is supposed to feel about anything, let alone…_this? _I know Mulder wouldn't have known what he was putting me through at the time but he didn't have to tell me any of it, and yet he did. Why did he? Was it guilt because I was missing and felt he needed to keep being honest with me, like before? Or shame because he slept with a suspect in a case? Or the fact that she was dark and twisted and interesting? Either way I would have preferred to _not_ know.

There was another I knew of previously…Phoebe. The woman was a bitch and I hated her - for all their "history", She had Mulder very nearly falling into her arms again while we were working on a case with her. It was a case of history almost repeating. Even though I didn't like her and didn't like their "history", I found that I couldn't blame Mulder for wanting to remember how they had been together as Phoebe was beautiful and had the prettiest accent I had ever heard. There are probably more girls that Mulder hasn't told me about, for whatever reason, but Kristen and Phoebe are the only ones that I am aware of. Thank God! I'm really not sure how I would react to knowing there were _more_ girls that weren't me. It would, more than likely, end up with me spilling fresh tears and re - opening old, rather painful wounds.

Refreshing my imaginary memories of Kristen and Phoebe and what they and Mulder had together actually forced me to confront facts: the fact that they had had Mulder and that if I wanted Mulder I would just have to tell him how I felt. Maybe Mulder would never feel the same and maybe things would be always be different between us from now on, but then again…five years? Maybe he could learn to love me? Maybe…just maybe… Or not…Mulder could very well decide he never wants to see me ever again. There was only one way to find out.

I felt quite proud of myself that I had actually made my decision. Suddenly I felt a huge weight being lifted off me, like my tears and pain had suddenly been validated. Like "it" was all worth it, only I didn't know if any of "it" _would_ be worth it. Even though I had made my choice and was proud of the fact that I had, I wasn't happy about it. I still didn't feel ready to say anything at all but I knew deep down that time was running out. I couldn't avoid the subject forever.

"…Mulder? …Can I ask you something?" I kept my head down as I spoke, pretending that I was going to ask him about the file in front of me. My voice was low.

I looked up from my file and saw that Mulder was _still _watching me. He hadn't said a word to me about wanting to talk, but I knew that was what he wanted to do. It was an unspoken request but the intensity of the look that i was getting from him scared me_. _I could feel my skin burning. G_od… What the Hell Mulder? Stop it! Stop pressuring me! _

That's when I bottled it.

"Never Mind. It's not important.. It can wait… "


	8. Yes

Okay. Final chapter for every one who has sat and suffered through every tear and in-decison with Mulder and Scully :) And seeing as I'm in a very happy mood, what with the Royal Wedding making me giddy.

Oh why William? Why did you choose Kate over me? ...LOL! You know I would totally make a better Duchess of Cambridge than she would! Or is it purely that your Grandmother would not approve of a northern girl?... but my accent is just as "English" as Kate's *sobs* Sorry, im ranting again. Anyway - Due to the fact that that there is a very "party" atmosphere, here in England as well as all over the UK, I thought I would give you all a happy ending! Damn it - i said that too early :P ... but please read it, despite already knowing the "happy ending" :)

Enjoy x x x

It was lunch time. We were sat in our usual café with our usual meal choices and I was on the verge of crying…again. I had spent another day feeling awkward and ashamed at my own stupidity at not being able to share my feelings._ I wanted_ to say something. I _had _to say something. I had had enough of staying silent and fighting feelings. I watched Mulder through my lashes as I played with my napkin. I was very carefully shredding it into identical strips. _This is not who I am . I'm not weak and childish, so why do you turn me into a nervous wreck? How does he do it? _I had asked myself those questions, along with many others, so many times over the last few hours and I still couldn't answer any of them.

Mulder was speaking to me, I could see his lips moving but I couldn't hear what he was actually saying. Probably something about the case files we were working on earlier, probably something I would disagree with due to it's "unbelievable" nature.

"What do you think Scully?" I looked at him blankly for a second, trying to remember anything I had heard of our conversation. I got nothing.

"Whatever." I shrugged, sounding nonchalant.

"_Whatever_?"

"Yeah, I'm not bothered." I had no idea what I was saying, and Mulder knew it.

"You haven't been listening to a word have you?"

"I have!" I argued, not very convincingly. It was a blatant lie so Mulder continued on.

"Yes, …well I was thinking it might be a good idea to go see them. What do you think? We need to go speak to the husband about - "

"Mulder, stop it! I don't know what you're talking about but I don't care! I don't want to hear about the case! …I don't want to talk about the case!" He looked at me, confused at my outburst. I was shocked myself but I had the feeling that everything was suddenly becoming clear, like a light had been switched on and was slowing flickering to life. I couldn't explain it, nor could I understand it but… now was the time. I was ready to tell him…

"I don't want to talk about the X files!"

"Well… I was only -"

"Mulder, shut up will you!" I threw my shredded napkin down and pushed out my chair. I was frustrated with him now. He had spent so long trying to get me to talk to him and now I wanted to, he just didn't see it.

As I walked down the central aisle of the café, I heard him leave the table and follow me.

"Scully? Scully…wait!" I didn't even turn round and look at him. How could he see minute, tiny details, that are so important to him when it comes to the X files. He can pick holes in anyone's story and reveal the lies, read their minds and understand them so completely but yet he was completely oblivious to me and what I wanted to say to him…

I pushed open the restaurant door and found myself on the pavement, getting very wet. It hadn't been raining when we left the office so I hadn't thought to take my umbrella out with me but now I was soaked within seconds.

"Scully!" I felt Mulder grab my wrist, so I turned and looked at him. He wasn't wearing his jacket, so his shirt was now translucent. His hair was now flat against his head and was getting in the way of his vision. I couldn't tell whether I was crying or not, whether it was the rain in my eyes or new tears.

"Scully, what's going on?" He wasn't annoyed. I could see it in his eyes. He was nothing but concerned. There was a tension between us… but it wasn't the awkward kind. I rushed towards him to close the gap between us. I held his face in my hands and kissed him, pressing my body against his. I could feel the rain soaking through the fabric of our clothes and dampening our skin. Mulder's hand left my wrist and he brought them both up to my shoulders and then to my undoubtedly, by now, mass of wet, fluffy, curls. Everything around me melted away, I didn't care for the people walking past or what they might think… I pulled away only when air became a necessity. Mulder had responded to my kiss but he might not have meant any of it. After all it's just instinct to kiss someone back if they are kissing you. I looked up at him and wanted to smile but I kept my face as serious as I could. I was anxious at how he would respond to me.

"what…?"

"Did you mean it?" I whispered once more, the question that had caused me so much pain.

"I'm only asking Mulder because… well, I think I might be in love with you…" This time I stayed staring at him. I didn't avert my eyes and look away as I had done before.

"Yes… I meant it…" Above the noise of the traffic in the street I barely heard him answer.

"That's why I was shocked that you had asked me Scully… I didn't think you would need confirmation of my feelings for you." Mulder looked as through he would start crying at any moment. His voice broke as he pulled me in and held me tight. I felt him kiss my damp forehead.

"I thought you would know that I meant every word of it."

We stood in the middle of the street, in the rain, holding each other. After a moments pause Mulder spoke.

"Scully?"

"Yes?" I lifted my head and looked at him.

"Marry me?" I could swear that he was being deadly serious. There was no hint of playfulness when he had spoken. I hadn't seen an eyebrow being raised as he asked, or seen a smirk play on his lips. I reached up on my tiptoes and placed my lips against his. It was a slow and gentle kiss and it told him my answer.

"Is that a "yes" Special Agent Dana Scully?" he asked. This time there _was_ a smile on this lips and an eyebrow being raised. I smiled back at him and shrugged.

"Maybe."

"_Maybe?_"He bent his head and kissed me. It was a good job he was still holding me as if he wasn't, I'm pretty sure I would have fainted, and in all honesty I am not the type of girl who goes all swoony over a man but this man was Fox Mulder and he makes me do an awful lot of things that I wouldn't normally do. Present situation included.

"Okay, so maybe not "maybe"…" I answered him breathlessly. I saw the glint in his eyes as he knew what I was about to say. I paused and looking deep into his eyes, I told him how much I loved him and then I gave him my true and honest answer.

"…Yes."

He then did something that surprised me. Instead of telling me that he loved me or kissing me once more, he spun me around so that I had my back to him and with his hands on my shoulders started walking me back in the direction of the J Edgar Hoover building.

"Mulder? What are you doing?"

"Scully, I love you and we are now officially engaged, but - we have to get back to work remember? We have jobs to do." Sceptically, I repeated his words back to him.

" "…officially engaged now?…" No, Mulder, we are not officially engaged until you get me a ring!"

"Yeah, yeah… I'll get around to that Scully, don't worry." I smiled and shook my head at him. It takes Mulder a hell of long time to "get around" to doing anything. I felt him kiss my head.

As we walked back into the FBI building, Mulder let go of my shoulders and walked next to me. His hand purposely brushed against mine and again it made me tingle but in a different way than it had done previously. The knowledge of our "secret engagement" and what that gesture really meant, made me smile to myself. Mulder leant into me, with his mouth to my ear, so that no one heard him and whispered to me, winking as he did so.

"I love you _Mrs_ Mulder." I smiled sweetly at him, then surprised him with a playful but gentle elbow in the chest.

"Shut up Mulder!" He gave me a look of mock hurt.

"But Scully?… what we just said…did it mean nothing to you?" He grinned at me and I smiled back at my "fiancé", before mirroring his image and whispering back to him.

"…I love you too Mulder."

The End


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